Journal Entry: Tue Mar 21, 2017, 12:30 AM
I think I'm going to try drawing digitally again soon. I'm hoping that maybe it will motivate me to draw better things than rough, shitty, unfinished, uncolored doodles without backgrounds.
But before I can even think about doing that, I still need to get my room straightened up. No, I still haven't done that yet. In fact, I haven't really cleaned up my room in four years. Why? Because I've practically been living out of a duffel bag, a suitcase, a book bag, and several boxes for those same four years.
A lot of this has to do with the fact that ever since I came back to my parent's house after my first year of college, I haven't really experienced anything that actually feels like "home." I miss having that feeling of "home." I haven't had that feeling of "home" for four years.
I know I won't experience that feeling for at least three or four more years. I still have no car. Even though I will finally have my degree in two and a half years, I still have to find a job pertaining to my degree, and then once I finally get that job, I get to spend my paychecks paying back all my student loans. I don't know how long that's going to take.
Basically, all this boils down to me needing to feel like I'm "home" again. I've gone a long time without it, and it's really starting to break me down. I have no schedule or sense of structure in my life whatsoever. I tried writing up a daily schedule for a few weeks, as suggested by a close friend, but family keeps fucking it all up every time.
In fact, recently I've been lucky to even get something to eat. I've used up all of my call outs for work due to being sick. If I call out or if I'm late to work again during the rest of this 90 day period, I will be written up.
My emotions are getting worse the longer I'm on that medication I told you guys about. And the doctor just decided to increase the dose. This means more extreme mood swings, more aggressive behavior, further reduced ability to focus, more depression, more trouble sleeping, further reduced ability to see in the dark, more dizziness, more volatile temper, more easily distracted, and an overall feeling that you don't enjoy things as much as you normally do. Wonderful.
Expect more random ramblings. Expect me to be rude. Expect me to get angry, sad, bored, defensive, excited, and sleepy all in the same conversation. Expect me to not really make much sense. Expect me to be hypocritical. Expect me to literally be the most whiny, ungrateful, ill mannered, angry little bitch you can imagine. This will be me for the next few months.
Once again, I'd like to apologize in advance for putting you guys through all this. Please don't think this means I don't want people to still talk with me. I will probably be rather isolated and lonely as it is. Hopefully I don't get fired from work.
Stay metal I guess. Or not. Synth and electronic is kinda my thing lately. Imagine that. Don't get me wrong, I still love hard rock and heavy metal. I just seem to have acquired an interest in synth and electronic music recently. Especially if it has guitar in it.
Thanks for reading this 3 AM stream of consciousness and bullshit.